I'm a quitter!

I always do this.... Life gets busy, I stop writing.

I am no longer homeschooling. My daughter and her father eventually wore me down and I gave in. Now my daughter doesn't like it. She says she is bored, and the other kids are mean to her. My husband is not impressed because the class is months behind what we were doing at home, he doesn't like the teaching methods they are using, and she is coming home with bad grades. Now would be the perfect time to say "I told you so!"

We are also presently attempting to quit smoking. Welcome to day 4 of smoke-free-me!! My husband is using Champix (one of the stop-smoking drugs) and I am doing it with nothing - no gum, no patches, no drugs, nothing. Cold turkey, if you please. As of yet, I'm not really sure who is having a harder time.... Although, if I had to say right now, I might say it's actually my husband. He is having strange dreams at night, so he isn't sleeping very well... He started mood swings on the medication before we had actually stopped smoking - you still smoke for the first two weeks on the drug... So he definitely had a hard time during the pre-quitting period. However, now that we are actually without cigarettes, we seem to be faring the same.

Several other things have been going through my mind lately. I want to go back to school. I got in for September, but there's no way I'll have the money to go. :( My husband wants me to find a night job since his paychecks have been cut. I don't know how I can work at night and then be up with the children during the day. I also do not have a vehicle, or someone who will come at 6:00am to watch the children for an hour and a half until I get home since there will be that overlap time between when my husband leaves and I get home. I don't know why he thinks everything is so simple. He just doesn't get it. I moved two friggin provinces away for him. Away from family and friends and home and stability.... I just want to cry, and not just because of the nicotine withdrawal.

Birds got better rhythm than I do..... :P

I don't really feel like writing today, but here's a video that made me LOL. :) Hope you enjoy!!

I can do this!

I got up early this morning to make my husband breakfast in bed. I'm talking like 4:00am early. Yea, I'm now dead tired. But it was SO worth it. I need to find ways to be more positive toward my husband, and this was one of my attempts to do so. My poor hubby leaves the house at 5:00am for work. He works 12 -14 hour days, sometimes for 10 days in a row without a day off, outside in the Saskatchewan winter, doing a very physical and dangerous job, and then drives an extra hour each way to work since he moved us out here.
I guess I realized I am being a little unreasonable. I am bitter and angry about things from the past, and for having to move here away from everyone and everything I know in order to cook and clean for him.... And I guess I've never stopped to think about how hard it must be for him having to do this job. I haven't really cared about how hard he's trying to be good to me.
And so, at 4:00am this morning, I dragged my ass out of bed and made him eggs and potatoes and coffee and brought it to him in bed. Men never get that stuff. It's always the woman who gets breakfast in bed, or flowers, and all that jazz. I figured, it's Saturday. He's been working all week without a day off yet. He's tired. Maybe if he ate some breakfast he wouldn't be so tired at work. Yea pat on the back and cookie for me!
Also, tonight is date night. We have been having one once a week since moving here. Just something together at home. We've been putting the kids to bed and then having our own dinner and playing a board game or whatever. And I have to admit, again, I've been so angry that I haven't really enjoyed myself. It's his turn to choose what we do tonight, and I am determined to SMILE! I can SO do this. I can't live my life like this. I need to let go and just be positive. Granted, this is really hard to me since I am clinically depressed. Things have been better in other aspects of my life, I guess all the ill feelings were just transferred to my husband, causing me to cling to things for an irrational length of time.
But, I made a good first step this morning, a gesture you could say of me... well, just trying instead of moping. And I am absolutely determined to just be happy tonight.
I can do this!

My Kitchen Hates Me

I am fairly certain that my new kitchen hates me. I burnt a massive pot of chilli yesterday. I mean, sure, I was busy. I was cleaning and homeschooling my oldest daughter, chasing around my youngest, and praying for help... Instead of the help I asked for, however, I get a text from my husband telling me to make chilli as well. Oh yea, that's exactly what I need, more stuff to do. But, I tried doing it anyway, and burnt it. Go team! Since I have been here (3 weeks?) I have also burnt hamburgers 2x, chicken, hamburger helper, and 2 batches of cookies. What the shit, batman? I mean, seriously, this is not like me. Especially the cookies. I am a cookie-baking pro!
So, I have a couple of theories on why this is happening. First off, I'm super busy in this new house. I don't have the help here that I had back in Ontario. I'm frustrated and not paying as much attention as I should be. I am also now an official house wife of three weeks, and that not only bothers me a little, but is also putting a lot of pressure on me to be domesticated when it doesn't come naturally to me. I'm way too stressed out trying to do everything perfectly. Also, my cookie sheets suck ass and I desperately need new ones (I completely blame them for the cookie incidents. They were completely burnt on the bottom but still not cooked at all on the top...) Or maybe it's my new oven I have to get used to.
Or maybe, just maybe, my kitchen hates me.

Missing home!

I have so much on my mind today, so I guess this is going to be just one big jumble of crap.
First off, I feel SO sick. I've been feeling ill since yesterday, and today it's gotten way worse. I don't have time to be sick!
This was our first week back to homeschooling after the big move. It's hard to get back into a routine. And we are so incredibly behind, it's not even funny. My husband wants our oldest to go back to a regular school now that we have moved. I disagree. I don't have the time to argue with him, but I don't want to give in either. This is important to me. I want her to do better in school, and she wasn't doing well in the regular system. And I wasn't so impressed last year with the kind of influences she was getting from other children. Plus, I put a lot of work into getting her curriculum ready for the year, I don't want to just give up.
Also, I found out on facebook last night that my grandmother is scheduled for major surgery sometime before Christmas. ON FACEBOOK. My extended family is asking everyone to do something to help them out for the holidays. And I'm all the way fuck out here in Saskatchewan. I'm really upset about this. I don't really know what's going on. And this isn't the first time I have been left out of the loop. My mom was really sick last year and had to go for surgery and no one told me until last minute. A couple years before that, the same thing with my sister. I don't understand why no one tells me.
Something serious is going on with a girlfriend of mine as well. Apparently a patroller has been touching her daughter inappropriately. This boy has previously raped another little girl and is supposed to be in counselling for it... She is going into the school to talk to them today... Again, I'm not there to help her.
I'm feeling really useless and forgotten out here. I'm kind of feeling like I'm here to live for other people. I'm here to cook, and to clean, and to take care of children... And there's nothing left for me.
I think this is part of the reason I am so bitter towards my husband right now as well. I left my friends for him. My family. All my hobbies. Everything. And he treated me like crap for a long time. All I wanted was to move to be with him so things can go back to normal. And they did, on his end. But I am so changed and still so angry that all his attempts mean nothing to me now.
I guess I am just having one of those days. But I'm missing home somethin' fierce. :(